By Mel
(@melteang on Instagram)
i.
you never knew it would be like this,
you heard of epiphanies, a dawning at three am, breakdowns in the locker room
a sudden waking
and so you allowed yourself those silences you used to dream in, the oblivious letters, the feeling of her pulse, your hand wrapped around her wrist like it was moulded for each other, and you allowed yourself those few moments, moments of the universe screaming this was meant to be,
because you didn't know, because you didn't want to know
because this was one of those things that happened to other people, not you, like car accidents,
or irreversible tragedies or maybe even winning the lottery, because it was supposed to be a waking.
ii.
but the flame had been lit long ago, and now it was rising
and you felt it,
and you ignored it the way you've ignored everything else,
you drowned it out, you tried to swallow an ocean hoping it would extinguish the flames,
but with every slice of tangerine shared on her rooftop, every precious glance, every time she said your name,
you realized you swallowed gasoline instead,
iii.
you don't know this yet but you love her,
maybe if you loved her less, you would have been able to let it fall from your lips,
without the fear of the fire inside you rising
and burning everything to the ground.
iv.
and in the end,
you knew, even though it wasn't a waking,
it wasn't an opening of naked eyes to the blinding light
it was a rising,
a rising of unquenchable fire, of hot bubbles stuck in your throat
as you tried to choke it down.
iv.
and you prayed
please,
a desperate plea to a God you did not believe in
because you'd rather surrender yourself to the war inside you,
let it burn your bones to ash for those few moments of the universe screaming
this was meant to be.
because you'd rather die for love than not love at all.